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Thursday, March 1, 2012
Ohkay, hello. I almost forgot i got a freaking blog. Look how time flies. Look how much things changes. Today marks the end of my year one life in SP. After term break i would be in year two alr, its gonna be even more hectic & even crazier than what it was like in year one. 2011 came & past just like that in a blink of an eye & the worst part is i made the silliest mistake at the end of 2011 & got myself in such a pathetic state. It was excruciatingly painful NOW. Okay, i know many have been asking what happened between us, so today i shall be frank & blog about what that had happened to my long r/s. I'll take it as a form of letting out of whatever i've been bottling & keeping to myself for so long. But, i'll just take the fault to myself & no other parties are to be involved, just me, myself & i. Okay, so yeah, disclaimer first just in case. All was well until poly life started for us, new friends, new cliques, new environment & etc factors. Even though we are in the same campus, we hardly have the chance to meet or have lunch tgt, be it our timetable clashes or we already had lunch with our new classmates, we just dont have the time. Yes, time was an excuse i know cause if we really wanted to see each other time would never even be the reason. Thus, it slowly leads to Neglection, Misunderstandings, Arguments, yes countless of arguments. Then, things started to change when somebody( lets name him Z) suddenly gave me a text out of the blue & we started texting more & more frequently no quarrels, no arguments, no one word text msges, sweet talks, a goodmorning & a goodnight text every single day. Yeaps, one fine day we decided to play a game. "whoever falls for whoever first, Loses" I was confident that i wont lose just yet so i played it anyway & im sure Z will also never ever fall for me. But who knows, after going out tgt a couple of times i feel what i have never felt so before just like, wow its this even real somebody treating you so nice, making you feel loved & doing funny things just to make you smile? Yes, we had mutual feelings by then. I was really depressed & tired of all the arguments & its like finally someone, just someone that cared so much about you when you felt like you were at the lowest moment of your life. Both of us know clearly that we couldnt be tgt, cause of some reason. We also know it clear enough that one day we will still be going a separate route regardless. & we both knew that we had to stop meeting up & texting each other. So one night we decided to talk things out & agreed to stop seeing each other. However, somehow after we reach home both of us actually feels the same, we actually felt sad? Then idk why, we continued going out -.- One day, i sit down & thought it through, one is a 3year long r/s another is a happiness that i wanted. It caught me in a dilemma i dont bear to break the heart of either one & i didnt want people to speak ill of Z if we ever get tgt. So, I decided to sacrifice both, yes both of them also let go. It was really hard, very very hard & painful. Its like cutting both your hands away & you are left with none, yes NONE. Another reason is i do not wish to be the reason spoiling their r/s so yes it just mean sacrificing & killing myself only lo. Weeks past, Z & I gradually had lesser text & i didnt want to disturb his life anymore so i didnt text him either so we stopped texting each other. 1 month past after everything, I began to realised who i actually loved, who i truely wanted to be with after that mistake i made. It was the bittersweet memories i've been through tgt w him during the 3 year long r/s. Its amazing how fate brought us thus far, same kindergarten, primary, seconday & even the same polytechnic. I tried to repent my mistake but its futile in the end. I was caught up in an unrequited love, rejections after rejections after rejections. It's been hell for me and together with the stress that exams brings along. I even had suicidal thoughts as it was really depressing for me, so much memories, first love. I had many sleepless night, finished half boxes of my tissue, puffy eyes next morning, strong front, fake smile when im w my friends but breakdown the moment when im alone. I know there wont be any 2nd chances for me, & dont deserved it at all. Nevertheless, im slowly letting go & wishing him all the best cause he definitely deserve someone better. Cheers, to our long lasting friendship from now on. |
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▪ new camera
▪ the 18th birthday
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